Random Thoughts

I don't know what to say.  I've started this post several times now, writing at least the beginning of the opening sentence only to delete it and stare at the blank screen.  I'm actually at a loss. I go through this writer's block once in a while, but rarely when I want to write.  It's usually when I would like to be writing but can't think of anything, so I find something else to do and just press on with life.  These days I almost feel compelled to write, but today nothing of substance is coming out and it is getting frustrating.  My writing balls are rather blue right now, if you will pardon the crude imagery. I guess I can talk about my day yesterday.  I had a great day.  The kind of day I will remember for a while, and the memory of which will help light darker days that may come for me in the future. I was able to help a wonderful, smart, kind, and talkative(!) little boy by just being there for him.  I won't go into the circumstances of why he

I came to a realization today.  I think I may be a bit masochistic by nature.  Of course, I'm sure I can also be a bit sadistic as well, but that is another story for another time. I don't know if I am punishing myself for some unknown, subconsciously committed atrocity, or if I just self-inflict pain to periodically reassure myself I am still alive.  Not physical pain, mind you.  No, the pain I submit to falls squarely within the mental and emotional arena.  For some reason, I keep putting myself in situations which ultimately end up causing me varying levels of emotional or mental pain. Let's see if I can come up with a couple of examples, and unfortunately for you, dear reader, I am going to have to be a bit brutally honest about myself: I'm not happy with my physical appearance, and I haven't been for a long, long time -- like since-I-was-a-small-child long time.  No matter what I do, I can't get to the point where I would like to be.  When I look in t

For some reason I decided to write a little today.  At the beginning of the year, I dubbed 2014 as the "Year of Creation".  I planned to  create  this year:  writing, music, photography, geographical formations out of mashed potatoes and the like.  That is what I *planned* to do.  Since then I have nothing to show for it.  I guess if you count a kitchen remodel, then I did create something... but that is a weak example.  I got a new music keyboard and started learning the software it came with, but have no new music recorded.  I bought a new camera and am currently learning how to use it, but I have nothing substantial to show for it.  I wrote 500+ words in my novel just before the start of the year, and haven't touched it since. Procrastination has always been a big problem in my life since I was a boy.  If something is boring to me, or undesirable, or I am unsure about what the outcome might be (whether I will succeed or fail), I put it off.  I will often start  somet

A little over 20 years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't a great one but I settled for it anyway, because I thought perhaps it wouldn't get any better. "Maybe this is as good as it gets?", I thought to myself. I loved, surely -- but I wasn't entirely happy. Something was always missing, yet I stuck with it due to fear of being alone and because of a sense of duty and loyalty. Then we had kids -- the most wonderful gifts -- and despite being unhappy and unfulfilled I kept with it. Now that relationship has been officially over for three years now and I still haven't met anyone that makes my heart skip a beat. I've been on a grand total of three dates in that time, while she's on her, oh I don't know -- 10th boyfriend? I'm not keeping score, though, and I really don't mind.  It's her life, and her choices.  Good for her.  For me, however, it just amplifies my loneliness a bit.  It's like there is this incessant buzz

Maybe it’s just me , but it just seems like some things in life that can be so difficult at times could be really easy if I just knew one or two “tricks”. For example, hitting a golf ball. I have a pretty decent swing, and can occasionally hit a really good ball. Other times, it looks like I rode the short bus to the driving range. (*no offense to those who ride short buses, of course). There has to be a trick to it. Something simple, something minute. The golf swing is not that complex of a motion. I just feel that if I were ever to learn that simple little trick my golf game would improve dramatically and stay that way. Same thing applies to making music. Music, to me, is art. I enjoy making it and I play everything by ear. I know what sounds good to me, and I keep working at a piece until it sounds good. But I can’t help but think there is a simple mathematical trick to it that would produce good music easily more often than not — and I’m just not getting it. Something

I attended a birthday party for a 6 year old girl today.  Of course, my twins were in attendance too -- otherwise, that would just be creepy. As the adults stood around talking and enjoying each other's company, the children all ran about playing and just enjoying themselves without a care in the world. For awhile I watched them jump around in the bouncy castle that was inflated in the driveway.  Some kids would  jump around like bunnies in circles. Others would jump in place.  Some would try to knock each other over.  Still others could barely keep from falling over on their own accord. No matter what technique they used, they all had smiles on their faces.  They were all just having fun, plain and simple. Even as I write this I am grinning thinking about their laughter and smiling faces.  It serves to remind me of something that we adults forget to do for ourselves -- have fun. We get so caught up in life's rigor:  work, errands, housework, child care, politics, world