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Bouncy Castles

I attended a birthday party for a 6 year old girl today.  Of course, my twins were in attendance too -- otherwise, that would just be creepy.

As the adults stood around talking and enjoying each other's company, the children all ran about playing and just enjoying themselves without a care in the world.

For awhile I watched them jump around in the bouncy castle that was inflated in the driveway.  Some kids would  jump around like bunnies in circles. Others would jump in place.  Some would try to knock each other over.  Still others could barely keep from falling over on their own accord. No matter what technique they used, they all had smiles on their faces.  They were all just having fun, plain and simple.

Even as I write this I am grinning thinking about their laughter and smiling faces.  It serves to remind me of something that we adults forget to do for ourselves -- have fun.

We get so caught up in life's rigor:  work, errands, housework, child care, politics, world events.  We forget what it was like when we were kids.  We forget what its like just to have fun.  Just to smile and laugh and toss all of your cares and problems aside and just... be.

I want my very own bouncy castle.  Not literally, although that would be pretty cool.  No, I want a place I can go mentally where I can just let all of life's little issues dissolve away and I can just have fun like a child.  Just smile, laugh, enjoy absolutely nothing but the moment itself.  Completely forget about schedules and traffic and bills and deadlines.  Just close my eyes, smile and mentally hop around in my bouncy castle.

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Yesterday

I don't know what to say.  I've started this post several times now, writing at least the beginning of the opening sentence only to delete it and stare at the blank screen.  I'm actually at a loss.

I go through this writer's block once in a while, but rarely when I want to write.  It's usually when I would like to be writing but can't think of anything, so I find something else to do and just press on with life.  These days I almost feel compelled to write, but today nothing of substance is coming out and it is getting frustrating.  My writing balls are rather blue right now, if you will pardon the crude imagery.

I guess I can talk about my day yesterday.  I had a great day.  The kind of day I will remember for a while, and the memory of which will help light darker days that may come for me in the future.

I was able to help a wonderful, smart, kind, and talkative(!) little boy by just being there for him.  I won't go into the circumstances of why he may …

Thank you sir, may I have another?

I came to a realization today.  I think I may be a bit masochistic by nature.  Of course, I'm sure I can also be a bit sadistic as well, but that is another story for another time.

I don't know if I am punishing myself for some unknown, subconsciously committed atrocity, or if I just self-inflict pain to periodically reassure myself I am still alive.  Not physical pain, mind you.  No, the pain I submit to falls squarely within the mental and emotional arena.  For some reason, I keep putting myself in situations which ultimately end up causing me varying levels of emotional or mental pain.

Let's see if I can come up with a couple of examples, and unfortunately for you, dear reader, I am going to have to be a bit brutally honest about myself:

I'm not happy with my physical appearance, and I haven't been for a long, long time -- like since-I-was-a-small-child long time.  No matter what I do, I can't get to the point where I would like to be.  When I look in the mi…