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Maybe I Missed The Boat

A little over 20 years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't a great one but I settled for it anyway, because I thought perhaps it wouldn't get any better.

"Maybe this is as good as it gets?", I thought to myself.

I loved, surely -- but I wasn't entirely happy. Something was always missing, yet I stuck with it due to fear of being alone and because of a sense of duty and loyalty. Then we had kids -- the most wonderful gifts -- and despite being unhappy and unfulfilled I kept with it.

Now that relationship has been officially over for three years now and I still haven't met anyone that makes my heart skip a beat.

I've been on a grand total of three dates in that time, while she's on her, oh I don't know -- 10th boyfriend? I'm not keeping score, though, and I really don't mind.  It's her life, and her choices.  Good for her.  For me, however, it just amplifies my loneliness a bit.  It's like there is this incessant buzz of a giant neon sign with a red arrow pointing at me saying "Lonely Guy Here".

I've been thinking lately and wondering if there is just One Great Love out there for everyone -- just one single perfect match for each one of us. True love, soul mates, whatever you wish to call it.

An optimist would say I just haven't met her yet, and I will someday.

The pessimist in me is beginning to worry that maybe I may have already met her, but our paths didn't cross at the right time in either of our lives. Maybe we were just two ships passing in the night, en route to other life adventures, but not to our shared Great Adventure of true love.  Maybe we were friends or coworkers or perhaps complete strangers who simply shared a smile during a brief moment.  Maybe she was the One for me, and I for her -- but for whatever reason the universe didn't put us together.

If I'm honest it really seems the pessimist is shouting in my ear the loudest these days. I'd really love to prove that bastard wrong.

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